


Take My Body

by AlekaJordan (pontmergay)



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, Domestic Violence, Eventual Smut, Explicit Language, F/M, Love/Hate, Romance, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-10
Updated: 2016-04-11
Packaged: 2018-05-19 11:32:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,543
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5965801
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pontmergay/pseuds/AlekaJordan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Elspeth is stuck between a rock and a hard place. The rock is her husband, Kylo Ren, and the hard place is the one person he hates more than himself, General Hux.</p><p>Basically, it's down to the last two contestants on First Order Bachelorette. One of them is the angry spouse and the other is a sweet string bean who hates the angry spouse and just wants the girl to realize her worth.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. prologue.

**Author's Note:**

> If my story His Name was Ben is shameless Kylo Ren fluffiness, this is the exact opposite of that. I love Hux so much, y'all. 
> 
> Sorry for how short this is. I've had the idea for this all going through my head since I saw the movie the second time. Chapters will get longer as we move along. Thank you, lovelies! Enjoy.

_ “Elsie, come on.” His voice was sharp and quick, his words pleading with the girl on the bed in front of him. _

 

_ She stared at him with wide brown eyes and shook her head slowly. “What the fuck did you do, Ben? Where’s Master Luke?”  _ **_Why is it so loud?_ **

 

_ He almost growled, and when he spoke next his voice was low. No longer pleading, but threatening. “We have to go, Elspeth. Now.” _

 

_ “No,” she whispered. _

 

_ He sighed. “I’m sorry.” He walked quickly to her side and placed a gloved hand on the side of her face. _

 

_ Everything went black. _

* * *

 

_ When Elsie came to she was sitting on a bench in a ship with her knees tucked up to her chest. It was almost too quiet, the only sounds coming from the shifting of the horde of Stormtroopers standing around her. She stared almost indifferently at her settings, forgetting, for a second, who she was and where she was supposed to be. Where she had been the last time she was awake. _

 

_ The sound of heavy footsteps broke her concentration, and she turned to stare idly in the direction they were coming from. Around the corner came a darkly robed figure, tall but slight, a mechanical black helmet covering his face. _

 

_ She exhaled quietly, the noise sounding almost like a cry and stopping the figure where he stood. “Where are we, Ben?” she asked with a voice as soft as rose petals. “ _ **_And what did you do_ ** _?” _

 

_ The last few meters between them were crossed so that he stood in front of Elsie. His arms moved from their stagnant position at his sides to click the helmet from his head and then held it at his side as he stared down at the girl. “That’s not my name anymore, Els.” _

 

_ “What are you talking about?” She swung her legs off of the bench and leaned up to better look at the boy she thought she knew so well. _

 

_ “My name is Kylo Ren.” He said it softly, so as not to alert the Troopers of their conversation, but there was a darkness to his expression and in once kind eyes that settled into Elsie’s stomach like a block of durocrete. _

 

_ “No,” she insisted, almost standing up. “Your name is Ben Solo.” She didn’t bother to keep her voice low. _

 

_ His jaw clenched and she could see the anger erupting in his eyes that had become so much more prevalent in the last few months. He stepped forward, crowding into her space and making it so that her back was pressed against the cool metal of the wall behind her. _

 

_ Before he could speak again she let a thought dribble through her consciousness.  _ **_What happened to you, Benny?_ **

 

_ Whether it was instinct or reflex of whatever had been going on inside of him that led to this point, Elsie didn’t know, but his gloved hand reared up and stung across her right cheek, and she could feel the angry fire engulfing him. He leaned down to stare at her, his angry expression not changing even as tears started trailing down her face. “Don’t  _ **_ever_ ** _ call me that again. Do you understand me, Elspeth?” _

 

_ She didn’t say anything, only stared back at him with her hand holding her cheek and letting the tears flow freely.  _

  
_ She hoped he could hear her heart breaking. _


	2. a bird without a song

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This chapter contains scenes depicting abuse.
> 
> Chapter title is taken from Sinead O'Connor's "Nothing Compares 2 U" and the poem in the second half of the chapter is "I Am Not Yours" by Sara Teasdale.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I spent all day writing this at work (fun fact: I'm actually at work right now, lmao). We get to meet some new characters, which is always fun, and we even get a glimpse of our redheaded general. Enjoy!

She stood in front of the mirror, pulling her dark hair into a high ponytail and doing everything she could to cover the red and purple bruises that littered her neck and collarbones. There was a bigger bruise on the curve of her jaw that was just beginning to heal and was turning a sickly green color. Dried blood caked the split in her bottom lip. Elsie closed her tired eyes and willed herself to finish getting ready for the day ahead.

 

Once she was finished smoothing the fabric of her skirt over her legs and pulling the dark, long-sleeved top over her torso, she walked from the bathroom and sat for a moment on the bed. Her elbows hit her knees and her head fell into her hands. Elsie ran her hands over and through her hair, huffing out a breath as she did so. After putting on the boots that had been on the floor beside her, she stood, squared her shoulders, and left the room, locking the door behind her.

 

Elsie walked through the halls of the base with her head held high and her eyes carefully examining the work being done. She allowed herself a small smile when some of the Troopers stopped their work to nod in greeting or say a quick hello to her. She wasn’t sure if they liked her for the kindness she showed them in wake of Kylo Ren’s anger, or if it was because of the blaster that remained on her hip in spite of the bruises on her body. Even so, her walk to the mess hall being littered with greetings everyday was something she heartily enjoyed.

 

As she rounded one of the last corners she had to go before arriving at her midday meal, Elsie came face-to-chestplate with a tall, silver armored woman. She stopped short and almost laughed at herself, looking up into the helmetless face of Captain Phasma.

 

“Hi, Phas,” she said, smiling brighter than she had in quite a few days at the blonde woman standing in front of her.

 

Phasma smiled back at her. “Well, look who it is. I was just coming to look for you.”

 

Elsie raised an eyebrow in question.

 

“Gilly and Janna were getting worried.” She eyed the bruise on Elsie’s jaw, along with the ones peeking out of the collar of her shirt.

 

The girl rolled her eyes. “They worry too much. I can handle myself,” she said, patting the blaster at her side.

 

“Right,” the Captain murmured. “You know, we could probably get you something to help with this.” She ran a cold finger over Elsie’s jaw.

 

“No.” Elsie’s voice was sharp enough that, as the two walked side by side down the corridor, Phasma almost stopped to turn and face her. Instead she gave her a questioning look, which Elsie only shrugged at. “I like him to see what he does.”

 

Phasma pursed her lips into a hard line, but nodded. She could understand that.

 

The two walked into the mess hall and Phasma broke away from Elsie’s side to walk over to a table with only two others sitting at it, including the aforementioned Gilly and Janna, while Elsie went up to the bar to pile food onto a tray. Once she was satisfied with her meal, she joined her friends at their table.

 

Just as Gilly was opening his mouth to say something, probably a sarcastic remark regarding the amount of food on Elsie’s plate, a loud voice rang out across the room.

 

“Captain Phasma!”

 

Heavy footfalls followed the voice and carried its owner in the direction of the group’s table. Immediately Phasma, Gilly, and Janna all stood from their spots in attention toward the redheaded general at the head of their table. Elsie remained seated, but glanced up briefly from her tray to acknowledge him.

“Gildon, Andres, return to your meal.”

 

The two nodded in the affirmative and returned to sit and pick at their meals with Elsie.

 

“Yes, General?” Phasma’s voice as hard and serious, the opposite of how it had been just moments previously.

 

The general’s eyes wandered to Elsie, who was peeking up at him out of the corner of her eye. She quickly looked away when she noticed him watching her. “We need you on the bridge. Ren is...upset.”

 

Elsie’s head whipped up and her hand unconsciously flew to the bruise on her jaw. She shared a look with Phasma, glancing at the general only briefly, then looked back down to her plate. Her heart pounded in her chest.

 

“Yes, General Hux. Give me one moment, please.”

 

The redhead nodded, then, with another quick look at the small girl huddling into her food, turned on his heels and left the mess hall.

 

When he had gone Phasma walked around the table to stop by Elsie. “Are you okay?”

 

She looked up at her friend, holding tightly onto her fork to steady her shaking hand. A ghost of smile appeared on her face. “I’m fine, Phas. I’ll be fine.” She took a deep breath and smiled with all of her teeth. “I can handle myself, remember?”

* * *

 

Elsie and Gilly were sat on the sofa in her and Kylo’s sitting room, cross-legged and facing one another. Gilly had a notepad in his lap and was sketching both Elsie and their surroundings idly while Elsie read from an old book of poems. Their knees were almost touching. 

 

“I am not yours, not lost in you,

Not lost, although I long to be

Lost as a candle lit at noon,

Lost as a snowflake in the sea.

 

You love me, and I find you still

A spirit beautiful and bright,

Yet I am I, who long to be

Lost as a light is lost in light.

 

Oh plunge me deep in love--put out

My senses, leave me deaf and blind,

Swept by the tempest of your love,

A taper in a rushing wind.”

 

Gilly looked up from his pad with wide eyes. “That’s…” He shook his head. “Completely and utterly the biography of your life.”

 

Elsie rolled her eyes and laughed, grabbing the throw pillow that was behind her to throw at her friend. “You’re an asshole, you know that?”

 

“Hey,” Gilly said, throwing his hands up as if surrendering at war. “I’m just saying. You’re the one that decided to read something that sums up everything about who you are.”

 

The girl sighed. “He’s really not all that bad, Gil.”

 

Gilly gave her an incredulous look. “You’re kidding, right? Do you own a mirror? Do you see yourself right now?”

 

“Gilly-”

 

He waved his hand at her. “Oh, bah. I know the story. You met when you were young teenagers, it was love at first sight, blah blah blah. Then one night he decided, hey! I’m gonna kill all the Jedi. And he literally  _ slaughtered  _ all of your friends and kidnapped you, and forced you to join the First Order with him. And now you’re married, and he beats the actual shit out of you on an almost daily basis. Super romantic story. Hope I can find a guy like him someday.”

 

“Will you be quiet! He could be back anytime now, and he doesn’t like you that much as it is.”

 

“Yeah, I guess it is pretty nice of him to let you carry around that blaster again. How long did he take it from you after you  _ shot him _ ?”

 

Elsie crossed her arms over her chest and glared at Gilly. “Don’t.”

 

“I was just saying…”

 

“Well stop just saying things, or you’re going to get the shit kicked out of you.”

 

“Oh, yeah,” he taunted. “By who? You, or your insane hu-?”

 

Always the one to be interrupted, just as Gilly was finishing his question the door to the room opened and Kylo walked in, his hands already moving up to unclasp the helmet from over his head. He stalked into the sitting room, facial expression neutral, and tossed the helmet into a nearby chair. He stood a few feet away from them, glancing placidly between them, then turned his attention to Gilly and stated simply, “Get out.”

 

Gilly jumped to his feed and nodded sharply. “Yep, okay. Of course, Lord Ren.” He stopped in the doorway before leaving to look at Elsie. He motioned to the commlink on his wrist and mouthed, “If you need anything.”

 

Elsie shook her head once, quickly, and motioned with her eyes for him to leave.

 

Once the door was shut behind him, Kylo stepped forward to look at his wife, head cocked slightly to the side. “I don’t like you spending time alone with him.”

 

“He’s my best friend, Kylo.” Her voice was even, tired almost.

 

“And why should that make a difference?” His tone was bordering on fury.

 

Elsie looked up at him and tucked loose strands of hair out of her face and behind her ears. “Can we not do this tonight?”

 

“Do what?” He was angry now; angry at her tone, angry at her insinuation.

 

She stood up, forcing him to step backwards half a pace. “You know what.” Now her voice almost matched his in tone. She moved to shoulder by him, but was stopped when his hand grabbed her bicep. “You’re hurting me,” she said quietly.

 

He only tightened his grip. “Why can’t you just listen to me? I give you everything. I have given you everything you could ever want, and yet you still can’t obey my orders.”

 

“You orders?” Elsie almost laughed. “I’m your wife, Kylo. Not one of your precious Knights of Ren. Maybe if you treated me with half of the respect you gave to them, I would think about listening to some of your  _ suggestions. _ ”

 

Kylo’s hand, the one that wasn’t wrapped around her arm, flew up to envelop her windpipe. He pulled her closer so that their chests were touching and she could feel his raging breath on her cheek. “Is that how you really feel, Elspeth?”

 

“How can you say you love me and still treat me like I’m filth?”

 

The pressure on her throat was almost crushing. His eyes were dark and his lips were turned up in a snarl. His arm whipped out and he let her go, sending her flying against the bookshelf on the opposite wall. Her head hit the dark shelves with a loud  _ crack _ and she sat in a mess of books and wood while watching him stalk across the room to her. He reached out, lifting her from the floor, and pulled her back so that she was right in front of him. She wasn’t surprised when his fist made contact with the side of her face that wasn’t already bruised.

 

Elsie spit a wad of blood onto the floor and looked back up at him. She dropped to the floor in a heap, landing on her side, and watched as his leg cocked back and collided with her already bruised ribs. She knew what he wanted, but she wasn’t going to give in to him. She wasn’t going to apologize for breaking one of his rules. She wasn’t even going to let him see that she was in pain.

 

Kylo reared down and lifted Elsie up like ragdoll, throwing her again into the broken shelves.

 

She hissed when she felt one of splinters pierce her side. She laid on the floor, gulping in as much air as she could while waiting for her husband to make his next move. Then she heard the sound of his lightsabre igniting, and willed herself to remain motionless, staring unblinking up at the ceiling.

 

He stood above her, the red of his blade lighting up the space between them. 

 

“Do it,” she whispered through ragged breaths.

 

Kylo pressed the tip of the blade to the space between her shoulder and collarbone.

  
Elsie screamed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gilly is probably one of my favorite OCs of all time. He will play a very big role in this, as will Janna and Phasma.


	3. when the rest of heaven was blue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elsie's in the infirmary. Kylo visits her and is, well, himself. Her friends visit her and are The Best Friends In The Galaxy. Ever. Then Kylo has a fit of childish jealousy when he sees Elsie talking to Hux. Go figure.
> 
> Chapter title is from "Alone" by Edgar Allan Poe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it took me so long to get this out! I really only ever write at work, and it's been so busy the last few days I haven't really had time. I hope this long chapter makes up for it. :)

When Elsie woke up two days later she was in the infirmary, which wasn’t an unfamiliar place for her to be. Her head was pounding, and the soreness in her ribs prevented her from moving even the slightest. She opened her eyes to the brightness of the hospital lights, then turned her head to look around the room. Standing at the foot of her bed was the reason she was there in the first place.

 

Kylo stood stockstill with his hands clasped behind his back and his eyes staring hard at Elsie’s face. He didn’t move or say anything to her. He only stood there, barely a foot away from the end of her bed, breathing slowly as if he were trying to calm himself down.

 

Elsie watched him carefully, studying his face to try to find even the smallest hint of remorse for what he’d done. Years ago, before everything had changed and his name was still Ben, when they were kids, she could read him so well. Over the years his ability to guard himself, mentally and physically, had grown, and Elsie couldn’t read anything at all.

 

He grabbed the footboard of the bed and leaned over as if he was in pain, and let out a huge breath of pent up air. He gripped the board so tight that his knuckles turned bone white, then let go and walked around the side of the bed to stand beside Elsie. He motioned for her to scoot over a little bit and when she did, though begrudgingly, he took a seat next to her.

 

She didn’t want to say anything, didn’t even want to be near him or see him, but she did regardless. “Why are you here, Kylo?” No matter how years went by it still pained her to hear herself call him by that name.

 

He sighed, slow and deep, and carefully maneuvered himself so that he could wrap his arms around Elsie without causing her anymore pain. He laid his head on her shoulder. “I’m sorry,” he mumbled the words softly against her skin.

 

Elsie stared ahead blankly, feeling much of her anger dissipate though she hardly wanted it to. She listened to him breath and felt the warmth of his breath on her skin. “I know,” she whispered.  _ You always are. _

 

Kylo’s hands tightened a fraction around her waist. “I love you.” His words were so quiet she almost didn’t hear them.

 

She tensed for a moment and turned slightly to look down at him out of the corner of her eye. He wasn’t looking at her face, but rather his dark eyes were trained on the thick, finger-shaped bruises on her forearm and the bandages wrapped around her abdomen and ribs. She sighed. “I know.” She hesitated, but continued just as softly as he had. “I love you too.”  _ I always have. _

* * *

 

Her next visitors were, though mortified at her injuries, much more eager to express how happy they were to see her finally awake. Gilly, Janna, and Phasma crowded around her bed, fussing over whether she had enough blankets, her IV was keeping her pain manageable, and her bandages were tight enough to help but not so tight they were cutting off her blood supply. Elsie couldn’t help but smile around at all of them. She never was quite so happy now as she was when she was with them.

 

Janna was curled up on the bed beside her where Kylo had been only an hour before. She had her arms around Elsie’s shoulders, careful not to touch the bandage covering her burn. “Why do you let him do this to you, Els?”

 

Elsie opened her mouth to defend both herself and her husband, but was cut off by Phasma. “She’s too proud to leave and too in love to fight back.” She eyed Elsie with a look that just begged her to say she was wrong. When Elsie scowled at her, she continued, sitting down on the foot of her bed and leaving Gilly the only one standing. “I understand that you think there’s some part of him that isn’t all bad. I know that you love him and you’ve loved him since you were both

kids. I know that leaving isn’t an option not only because of who is but because of that love you still hold for him. But, Els, come on. You shot him once. Fighting back can’t be that hard.”

 

“You guys have no idea what I’m going through. You don’t know what he’s like when-”

 

“When he’s not throwing you around your quarters and beating you within an inch of your life?” Gilly’s words were much harder than he had wanted them to be, but he didn’t retract them. “That’s not love, Elspeth. No matter how many times he apologizes. No matter  _ how  _ he apologizes.”

 

Janna nodded against Elsie’s shoulder. “He’s right.”

 

Elsie had to stop herself from shoving Janna away and kicking the three of them out of her room, and even then it was only because she didn’t want to hurt herself more. “I know that! Don’t you think I fucking know that?” Her voice was shrill, her eyes filled with something more than anger. “I don’t just stay with him because I love him. I don’t sleep in the same bed as him after he’s busted me up because I love him. Do you know what would happen if I left? If I even  _ thought  _ about leaving?” She left the room in silence for a few moments, trying to let her words sink in. “Yes, I love him. I always have, and a part of me always will. Yes, when he hits me and kicks me and brings his sabre out against me, it makes me hate him. But that is so much better than being dead.”

 

“You don’t know that he would-”

 

“Gilly, I can see inside his head. I know. I know him probably better than anyone else in the world. Maybe even better than he knows himself. I know what he would do. I know that he means it when he says he’s sorry and I know that he means it when he says he loves me. That is not me excusing what he does. There is nothing that can excuse that. But I know.”

 

Gilly plopped himself down in the chair beside the foot of the bed and heaved a breath in his skinny body. “This sucks.”

 

Janna nodded against Elsie and Phasma stared at her, hard. “I’m sorry, Elsie.”

* * *

 

Two more days in the infirmary and Elsie was finally released. Her bruises were all starting to heal, the burn on her clavicle was all but gone thanks to some medigel, and her ribs only hurt her when she bent over too far. Her nurse, Caram, gave her a sad, worried look as she walked through the door. But Elsie was used to this. She’d suffered far worse.

 

As she was walking the halls back to her room, she thought about the conversation she’d had with her friends, the way Kylo’s voice had cracked when he said “I love you”, and the look in Phasma’s eyes when she’d apologized. Elsie still wasn’t sure what exactly she was sorry for, but she didn’t want to dwell on it too hard. She tucked her hair behind her ears strode through the halls as quickly as her still aching body would allow.

 

She rounded a corner, coming centimetres away from running into another someone. While she collected herself and readied to find out who it was she’d almost plowed down, she made a note to talk to Kylo about investing in some corner mirrors for the halls.

 

“Elspeth.”

 

The girl looked up, into the face of General Hux, and realized that she had been silently arguing to herself about watching where she was going. “Huh?”

 

“That’s your name, right?” He smiled at her, a small genuine smile that made her feel better than the medigel had. 

 

Elsie could see his eyes raking over her injuries and felt herself flush. “Oh, right. Yeah.” She wanted to punch herself.

 

“You look like you’re feeling better,” he said, smile still evident in his voice.

 

“Look…” She could vaguely remember, sometime between being given a very high dose of morphine and Kylo’s last visit the day before, a blurry shape with a shock of red hair visiting her room. “That was you in my room in the infirmary.”

 

This time it was Hux’s turn to flush, and Elsie couldn’t help but smirk at how pretty it made him look. “Um,” he cleared his throat. “Yeah, that was me. I heard you were...under the weather and wanted to see how you were, but the nurse told me she had just give you some medicine.”

 

She smiled at him. “I’m sorry I couldn’t be awake to entertain you. They like to give me one big shot of morphine the day before I’m released. Kind of to flush my system of any lingering pain. I drop like a pin when they do that.”

 

“You’re in the infirmary often then?” His was was even but she could feel another question under the one he’d voiced, especially as his blue-green eyes followed the pattern of bruises down her bare arm.

 

“Sometimes,” she whispered, her smile now filled with chagrin.

 

He nodded quickly, confirming her suspicion that she’d been answering another question altogether. “Well, I’m glad to see you’re well enough now to be out and about. I hope you don’t find yourself in there again anytime soon.”

 

Elsie felt her heart speed up when she saw, behind the general, a dark figure coming down the hall. “Me too,” she answered quickly.

 

“I’m sure K-” 

 

Elsie cut him off before he could finish, feeling the malice behind the words he was about to say. “Kylo!” She plastered a big smile on her face, letting all of the worry and distress flow away before stepping around Hux to grab onto her husband’s arm. “I was just about to come find you before I ran into General Hux.”

 

Even through his helmet Elsie could see the look of disapproval and almost hatred Kylo sent towards Hux. “Hm,” he grunted. “Well, I suppose I should thank you for keeping an eye on my wife, General.”

 

Hux shot Elsie a questioning look, which she shot down answering with one quick shake of her head.

 

“We should be going now, don’t you think, Kylo?” Elsie tried tugging on his arm, but he was stuck to the ground in some sort of weird staring contest with Hux that she didn’t understand. “Kylo?”

 

“Right.” Immediately he grabbed a hold of her hand, not too tightly, thank the gods, and started pulling her in the direction he’d come from.

 

Elsie shot one last, quick look at Hux before the two of them rounded the next corner.

 

Once they were out of the general’s sight Kylo stopped, clicking the helmet from his head and dropping it carelessly to the floor with a  _ clunk _ . He pushed Elsie’s back against the wall and found her lips with his, kissing her forcefully.

 

A million thoughts raced through her mind and it took Elsie a few seconds to realize that most of them were not hers. Kylo’s lips on her throat and his teeth nipping at her collar helped pull her out of his head, and she reached her hands up to run through the thick waves of his hair. She sighed when he bit at an old bruise on her pulse. Kylo’s hand squeezed too tight on her ribs and she let out a low hiss of pain, causing him to stop and look down at her.

 

“What is it?” His voice was harsh, but it always was in times like this.

 

Elsie moved her hands to his chest and pushed him softly away. “I’m still sore, Kylo.”

 

“Fuck.” He pulled away and dug his fingers into his hair, turning so that his back was to her. “I’m sorry, Els. I’m so fucking sorry.”

 

She sighed at the hatred in his voice being directed at himself and took a step forward to rest her hand on his back. “It’s fine, Kylo. I know you didn’t mean to.”

 

“I just- I saw you talking to Hux and-” 

 

Elsie laughed, and Kylo turned to look at her with a confused expression. “That’s what you’re upset about? Kylo, that was the first time I’ve ever spoken with General Hux. We were just talking, being polite to one another. It was nothing, alright?”

 

Kylo stepped towards Elsie and wrapped his arms around her lightly, pulling her to his chest in a hug. “I’m sorry,” he said again.

  
_ I know _ , Elsie thought, as quietly as she could.  _ I’m going to be stuck here forever. _


	4. when my heart was volcanic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hux is joining the gang for lunch. Kylo is a wee bit jealous. Bad stuff happens.
> 
> Chapter title is from "Ulalume" by Edgar Allan Poe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really, really sorry it took me so long to get a new chapter out. This year has just been super crazy for me so far. My gram was in and out of the hospital the end of last year and into this year, and she passed away three weeks ago. I haven't really been inspired to write because of that, but I got this idea at work a few days ago, so here it is for you. I'll try to update more frequently from now on, but I can't make any promises.
> 
> Being an adult is hard.

“Hux is joining us for lunch today,” Phasma said, voice cool as cucumber.

 

Elsie choked on her milk and stared, bug-eyed, at the Amazonian beauty beside her, who was currently smirking in her direction. “Are you fucking serious, Phas?”

 

“As a heart attack, baby.” She grinned. “What, do you have a problem with that?”

 

The smaller woman let out a sharp laugh that sounded oddly like the sound alpacas make. “No. Why would I have a problem with that? I don’t own the table. He can sit here. He can sit wherever he wants. Why would I care where General Hux sits? And especially, why would I care if he sits with us? I don’t-”

 

Gilly smirked. “You’re rambling, Els.”

 

Elsie’s face turned the color of Hux’s hair, and she could feel the embarrassment all the way down to her toes. She glared at her friend and stabbed at the food on her tray. “You guys are assholes.”

 

She felt it when he walked into the caf, her body going rigid as if she’d just been doused in ice water. Her eyes stayed focused on her tray even when he walked over and sat in the empty chair beside her. He said nothing when he sat down, but stared at her as she continued avoiding his gaze.

 

Phasma was the first to speak. “Hello, Lord Ren. We weren’t expecting you to join us today.”

 

Kylo Ren slowly removed his eyes from his wife and turned his masked face to look at woman across from him. He nodded almost imperceptibly. “I decided I would visit.”

 

Under the table Elsie’s fingers were picking at the fabric of her skirt nervously. She still hadn’t looked at him. The lump growing in her throat made the food in front of her look entirely unappetizing, and she silently prayed - to the gods, to the maker, to whoever would listen - that Kylo hadn’t been lurking around while she’d been talking with her friends and heard what they were saying.

 

A gloved hand reached out and grabbed one of her fidgeting hands by the wrist, stopping her movements. “Stop.” Elsie finally looked up at the man beside her and met his eyes as well as she could while he was wearing the mask. “You need to eat.”

 

Elsie couldn’t tell why he was there, not without seeing his face. She didn’t know if he had come to keep an eye on her while she was alone with her friends, or if he was there because he wanted to try to show her friends that he really did care about her, or if he had somehow heard that General Hux was supposed to be eating with them and was still harboring some jealousy under his mask and cloak. She wasn’t hungry, not now that he was there, but she picked her fork back up.

 

The tension at the table was thick, especially between Elsie and Kylo and Gilly and Kylo. Gilly hadn’t seen Kylo since the night that Elsie was taken to the infirmary, and though he was, really, scared of the Knight, he was also unequivocally pissed off at him.

 

After almost 10 minutes of sitting in nothing but silence and the sound of Elsie’s fork scraping against her plate, General Hux appeared in the doorway to the caf. She felt his arrival too, almost more strongly than she had Kylo’s, and looked up in his direction. Hux smiled softly at Elsie, having somehow managed to not notice Kylo sitting directly beside her.

 

Kylo stood abruptly, the legs of his chair screeching against the floor, when he saw Hux smile at his wife and the small smile she shot back at him. His gloved fist pounded on the table beside Elsie’s tray, causing her to drop her fork, and he stalked out of the room in a whirl of black cloak and heavy, metallic breathing.

 

Elsie sat immobile in her seat, staring wide-eyed at the door that Kylo had just left through. She could feel the heat rising in her face and the stares of not only her friends but everyone else in the caf, including General Hux. She pushed back and walked away from the table without looking at her friends as she went.

 

When she walked by Hux, he reached out and lightly took hold of her bicep. “Elspe-”

 

Elsie shook her head quickly and pulled her arm from his grasp. “Please don’t.”

 

She left the caf, on the lookout for any signs of where Kylo Ren had gone.

-

When she found him Kylo was standing in the middle of a utility room, debris scattered all around him. His helmet was off and thrown haphazardly against the far wall along with his cloak. His lightsabre was active at his side and his shoulders heaved as he tried to gulp in as much air as he could.

 

Elsie hesitated in the doorway. The consoles around the room were all slashed deep with marks from Kylo, and from the way he was breathing she knew he was still just as angry as when he had left the caf. She’d been on the wrong end of his sabre before, in worse ways than she had a few days previously, and wasn’t keen on being there again.

 

She took a tentative step forward, the heel of her boots clicking on the polished floor. Kylo didn’t react, negatively or otherwise, and so she continued forward. She reached him in only a few seconds and stood behind him for some time just watching his breathing even out before reaching out and touching his shoulder.

 

He turned his head only a fraction of an inch to look at her, his dark eyes piercing. “What?”

 

Elspeth didn’t know what to say. Was she supposed to ask him if he was okay? Clearly he wasn’t. Was she supposed to ask what was wrong? She already knew. “I’m sorry,” she whispered.

 

“Oh.” He tore away from her touch, deactivating the weapon in his hand and throwing it away to land with his helmet and cloak. He paced back and forth in front of her and ran his fingers roughly through his messy hair. “Elspeth is sorry. She’s _sorry_! And what is it, that Elspeth is sorry for?” He glared over at her through the curtain of his hair. “Is it for _lying to me_?”

 

Elsie furrowed her brow. “What? I never-”

 

He held up his hand to silence her. “Or maybe she’s sorry for paying more attention to **_General Hux_** -” he spit the name, “-than her own husband. Is that it, Elsie? You can look at him when he enters a room, even give him a smile, but you can’t even glance in my direction?”

 

Elsie stood ramrod straight, her arms plastered to her sides as she stared at him in shock. She could feel her heart pounding in her chest and knew he could feel it too. The tears that she had felt threatening to pool up earlier in the caf finally spilled over and ran down her warm, red cheeks. Again, she didn’t know what to say. It was true, what he had said. She had given more attention to the general than to him. She had good reason to do so, but she knew she shouldn’t have done it. Gilly would be so angry.

 

“I didn’t mean anything by it, Kylo,” she said softly, staring down at her boots and watching her own tears drip onto the floor. She realized then that she was shaking.

 

Kylo scoffed. “You never do.”

 

Elsie narrowed her eyes at him. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

 

He didn’t say anything, only continued his pacing and glancing her way every few seconds.

 

“I’m allowed to have friends, Kylo. I’m allowed to be happy around people who aren’t you.”

 

“No!” he barked, stalking over to stand chest-to-chest with her. “No, you are not. Not with him. I could hear your thoughts when he walked in, Elspeth.”

 

The color drained from her face, and Elsie tried to remember. What had she been thinking? All she could remember was feeling Hux walk into the room and looking up, only to see him smiling at her. It made her feel warm all over, something she hadn't felt in a long time, so she had smiled back.

 

Kylo took a step back and raised his arm, swinging his hand down quickly in a hard backhanded blow across Elsie’s cheek that made her eyes water more. “That,” he said, tapping a gloved finger against her temple, “is what I’m talking about.” He watched her as she shook and cried, and - ever so slightly - his eyes softened. “Is the leader of the Knights of Ren not good enough?” he whispered.

 

Elsie stared at him, not trusting herself to speak again.

 

“Am I not good enough for you, so much that you would to run into the arms of someone you don’t even know? Is my love not good enough?”

 

_ I don’t think you know what love is anymore _ . “I’m not running from you to him, Kylo.” Her words were hardly more than a breath. “I don’t even know him.”

 

“Maybe that’s his appeal. You don’t know him so you think that, somehow, he will be able to treat you better than I do.”

 

From the tone of his voice, Elsie could tell that he was trying to egg her on. He wanted to make her angry, to make her lash out and yell or maybe even try to hit him, so that he would have an excuse. She screwed her eyes shut and took a small, deep breath. “I told you, Kylo. I don’t know him. He was just nice to me when I got out of the infir-”

 

“You thought about _crawling into bed with him_ because he was _nice to you_.”

 

“Kylo, I didn’t- I never thought that!”

He rounded on her again, fighting the urge to wrap his hand around her throat. “Yes, you did. No matter if it was just a tiny whisper in the back of your head, you thought it when he walked into the room. _I fucking heard you, Elspeth_!”

 

Elsie clamped her jaw shut and stared down at the floor. She wanted to stick up for herself, but she knew what he said was true. She wasn’t too keen on the idea of being back in the infirmary so soon after having gotten out. She knew she wasn’t fully healed yet and couldn’t stand to think of what Gilly, Janna, and Phas would think if she landed herself back there.

 

“Nothing to say to that?”

 

She shook her head and whispered, “I don’t know what you want me to say, Kylo.”

 

He took a deep breath through his nose and Force-pushed her back towards the door. “Leave,” he hissed. “Go back to our room and stay there.”

  
Elsie turned and walked through the door. She heard him activate his lightsabre again as she left, and flinched at the sound of screaming metal. She didn’t look back as she headed towards their room, and hoped beyond hope that she wouldn’t run into anyone and anger her husband more. Her cheek still stung from where he had hit her.


End file.
